I’m sitting in a bright room in Cornwall house waiting for life drawing to start. I love these classes. I don’t really know what it is about drawing bodies, but I love it. I love the quiet and the scratching of pencil on paper. I love the bravery of the models - men and women who have overcome their insecurities to pose for art, not knowing what the artist is thinking or if they are criticising the white lightning scars striking their belly, their thigh, their breastbone. I love the tilt of heads as people lean into their work, sketching every shadow and highlight.
I like being able to breathe and think about someone else’s body for a while.
Term finishes next Friday. I have a Chinese exam on Tuesday. For Christmas this year we’re staying in a house in the Cotswolds, then traveling around Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia. I hope I have time to study, because I have exams when we get back in January.
I know that things are hard right now. I know that some days you wake up and can’t think of a single reason to get out of bed. I know you are struggling to breathe and you dream of Paris and the sticky summer you spent smoking and watching skateboarders in the square, and the afternoon you wrote on the steps of Montmartre and everything felt like it was falling into place.
You will be there again.
Just because the cold is creeping in and people try to keep the cold at bay by shutting you out doesn’t mean that you have to give in. It’s hard, and I know that, but you are strong. You are alive and you are beautiful, and you will live on. There’s too much to see, too many places to go.
You can do it. You’re an idealist, but your ideas will be reality soon.
Hold on, and you can make it there.
Don’t lose faith.
I will not be an emotional drunk. I will not be an emotional drunk. I don’t want to be the liability.
I want to buy a bike next year so I can cycle to campus for lectures. I’m terrified about my accounting exam because I don’t know if I’m going to pass, but I can’t bring myself to study for it. I could easily let myself fail out, but that would be cowardly. I’m so scared - I don’t want to agree to do creative writing next year if I’m not absolutely sure that’s what I want to do.
But then I’ve been writing since I learned to write. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.
I’ve been drunk a lot.
I’ve also changed lot since being here, but that’s not what I want to talk about.
The past couple of weeks, I have been absolutely hammered, progressively more so, and I have been having conversations with guys whilst absolutely hammered. Sometimes they were drunk too, sometimes they weren’t.
What often comes up in these conversations (because if you imagine that all my personality traits are emphasised, especially my insecurities) is my looks.
About seven separate guys have told me that I am attractive, as well as countless female friends over the years. I just don’t believe them. I have reached a point where if someone compliments me, I smile and nod but reason in my head that they’re just being nice, they don’t really mean it, it’s inconceivable to think that I am more attractive than one of my hall mates.
I have had a lot of conversations that I remember the next morning, to good looking boys who have no reason to be nice to me.
I am getting frustrated with myself because I can’t believe the compliments, although I want to, and I can tell that the people offering them are annoyed too because I’m being difficult or it’s exasperating that I don’t think I’m pretty/funny/smart/cool (ha).
There is one conversation in particular, from last Saturday, that I am thinking about.
A friend (hopefully a close friend, in the future) and I were walking back from a house party, when I tripped on the stairs and sat down, frustrated. I’d grazed my leg. I began to cry. I was so overwhelmed with everything that had happened that I just started crying. It was not attractive. I was so cold, but I refused to move from the step. This friend had to hug me for about ten minutes before I could speak, and when I spoke it was not pretty. It was vehement and full of hatred, and he stood by and talked to me and let me cry into his shirt, tears shuddering down my face, arms covered in goosebumps, legs bleeding, hair wild and probably smelling of alcohol. I told him everything. And he told me a secret.
I think he was trying to make me feel better, but all it did was scratch up my insides. I realised how petty I was being, whining about disliking the way I look (who the hell cares if I’m unhappy?), when some people have serious issues to come to terms with. He had tears in his eyes.
It wasn’t the same, in the morning, of course. We haven’t spoken about it, and I don’t want to be that drunk girl that everyone knows hates herself because she doesn’t shut up about it and needs reassurance that she’s good looking every five seconds.
I don’t want that.
I’ll keep you updated.
So it kind of sucks that I barely ever post on here anymore, and it’s not because I don’t have anything to say. I have so many things to think about at the moment I guess it’s kind of slipped my mind.
This week is opportunities week, which means that aside from Chinese, I don’t have any lectures or tutorials or seminars, although I still have to meet with my groups, especially Marketing, as my presentation is next week (eeeek).
- We’re going out tonight to a club in town, and beforehand some (friends?) people are coming up to pre-drink
- I kissed a guy at a club on Friday but it was horrendous (I was verrrry drunk), who happens to live in my halls and is friends with a guy we sometimes go out with (awkward)
- I’m thinking about changing my course to Flexible Combined Honours, maybe next year, which means that I could do parts English and parts of Business
- I really miss studying English so hopefully they’ll let me change
- Today I played tennis with Elizabeth and Louis
- My room is so cold I’m wearing my ski jacket
- Tonight I have a kind of business aptitude test which I’m nervous about
- I’m considering doing my study abroad year in either China, Japan or somewhere in the USA
- I think I’m falling behind on work
- Everyone here is really smart and works really hard
- I really really really want to study English
- I’m going to get very drunk tonight
Tomorrow at 15.01 I will be on the First Great Western train to Windsor. I’ll have to work for a bit of the weekend, because I have two presentations in approx a month but check up meetings for progress reports next week. I get back at uni on Monday afternoon, in time for my Theory and Practice of Management lecture. I’m going to spend time with my family and Hannah and the Gilmours and I’m going to work because uni is important but I have a million things scribbled on my hand to do and I’m worried about appearances and I don’t want to be.
I went to a life drawing class on Tuesday. I was nervous and a bit unsure but I really enjoyed it. I like drawing bodies; there’s something about the curves and muscle lines and hair and positioning that’s alluring. I really needed a hug this week. I felt so tired of everything: work and feeling inadequate, as if I wasn’t doing enough; worrying about boys and my appearance and why nobody seemed to want to kiss me; worrying about impatience and acting cool; worrying about the calories I eat and the exercise I forget to do; the creative writing classes I’m missing; whether I should have changed to study English. Worrying constantly about a hundred things and wearing myself out. I need to cry but I have to do so quietly; I want someone to lie next to me and to feel their arm pressed against my back, the heat from their breath in my hair, the brush of their fingers on my arm.
Worrying about feeling desperate and desperately feeling alone. Worrying about what he thinks or doesn’t think; worrying about who he’s fantasising about. Worrying about worrying too much. Worrying about my exams and my future and oh my god this is real and I can’t do it. Worrying about my life as it races on without me.
Anonymous asked: Hi. I know it's kinda weird but what's business management this major like? I mean, everyone in this major are like those super smart students, with straight As ? Cuz I am going to apply for university soon, just wanna know more about this major. Thanks~
For business, I think there’s a bit of a mix. Most schools (in Scotland and England, as far as I know) have business management on the curriculum, so most people have taken it at A-Level or Higher. I don’t think it’s a necessity in order to study the topic, though. I got 4 As and a B in my Scottish Highers, so that’s roughly 348 UCAS points. We haven’t had any marked assignments yet, but I suspect that most people would be aiming for 70% or higher. Everyone here comes varied backgrounds, but they’re all hard-working and smart. I like it. It makes me work harder. Hope this helped x
I want to catch a train to Cornwall and find a little fishing boat. I want to climb in with my hair in a ponytail and my face in the wind. I want to take the boat far away to a small town with homemade ice cream and crafts and shells on the beach and blue and white walls and happy people.
I don’t want to be here right now.
This is quite possibly my favourite poem ever.
I always get the munchies at night. I hear others lock their doors and switch off their lights, the gentle bang of their wardrobe doors shutting; I look at the clock and realise I have to be up in 8 hours and sleep does not seem to be approaching. I have a terrible work ethic - friends toil all day whilst I waste time on the Internet, looking to purchase items I do not need, distracting myself: always distracting. I don’t know where I’m headed, and I’m even unsure of where I am, but I know that I love live music and art and poetry and late nights talking to drunk friends. I don’t like not knowing secrets or being out of the loop; I hate suggestive looks when I don’t know what they are implying, I hate the way my throat feels when I have a cold. I don’t like being inferior and I hate that my cheeks warm and redden when I’m embarrassed. I don’t like not being the best at something and I don’t want to always see the good in people. I want to be able to be mad at them and not be reasonable; I want someone to knock on my door in the middle of the night and ask me to stay up with them. I hate being patronised and being called honey - it makes me want to rebel and shout that you know no better than I do, you are not any better than me just because you disapprove of watching films online. Fuck you. I dislike this suddenly intense monologue for all it’s negativity. I’m going to sleep.
Since I’ve basically been absent for a month, I thought I’d make a master post to catch you up to speed.
- I’m now at Exeter uni
- I’m studying business and management with an international year, and one of my modules is Chinese (Mandarin) for beginners for business
- My course started on Mondays
- I have joined nine societies so far: Art, Baking, Besoc (business and economics), Bodysoc (fitness classes), Creative Writing, Campus Cinema, Debating, Literature Soc, Her Campus Exeter (an online magazine).
- I am writing an article that is going to be published this Saturday (best birthday present ever) on the HC website
- My birthday is this Saturday, and I’m turning eighteen
- I’ve made friends in my hall and from my course, as well as a couple from the clubs I’ve joined
- As part of my course I may have to present a talk to my peers in a lecture
- I’m living in halls
- I’ve been to a couple of house parties and got tipsy
- I still haven’t finished reading The Book Thief
- I am very happy.
- I miss a lot of people like crazy but I am happy here, and I’m looking forward to seeing everyone during the holidays.
That’s basically what’s been happening…
The acts last night at Feast Your Ears, from bottom: 6 Days, The Deets, Luke Friend, and Sam Mayo and the Tuesday Syndicate. They were all good, but Luke F was amazing. The first couple of songs were by Vampire Weekend, the 1975, and Ben Howard. He was an insanely good singer, and I got a picture after with him but my phone was really blurry so my new friend Beth from my business course took it on hers. The Deets were probably too rock for my taste but it was great watching them because they had a really cool energy. The last guys looked great too but I only stayed for a couple of their songs because I think Beth wanted to leave. I had such a good time! Hope you’re all enjoying whatever you’re doing xxxx
Anonymous asked: when are you visiting again!
Well, it’ll much easier now in living in the UK! I don’t know when I’ll d able to come up for a visit, especially since you’re all spread all the place now, but probably in a holiday when you’re all at home xxxx
Anonymous asked: Do you remember who recommended the chrysalids to you?
yep it was in a letter from Josh I think..